Written by: Myeida Beasley, MA, LPCC

Parents out there, do any of these exasperated questions to your children’s big emotions sound familiar? 

“Stop crying!”

“You’re overreacting – calm down!”

“What is wrong with you?

“Why can’t you just listen?!” 

If they do, you’re not alone. Many parents end up asking these questions in moments of frustration. But there’s a more effective way to turn those challenging moments into chances for connection and growth, and this is called co-regulation.

What is Co-Regulation?

Co-regulation is the process in which one person helps another manage their emotional state. Children learn to self-regulate and navigate their emotions more effectively when parents and caregivers provide a calm and supportive presence. Think of co-regulation as a dynamic interaction—like a dance—where one person’s steady support helps the other regain balance. By staying composed and supportive in difficult times, parents create a sense of safety, enabling children to develop their own self-regulation skills. Co-regulation can play a vital role in a child’s ability to understand and regulate emotions and behaviors.

Examples of Co-Regulation:

1. Stay Cool: When things get tough, take a deep breath and try to stay calm. Your child will notice and learn from you.
2. Name the Feeling: Help your child identify what they are feeling. Saying things like, “You seem frustrated” can make a big difference. Using declarative language and non-verbal communication is very important. 
3. Hugs and Cuddles: Sometimes, a simple hug is all it takes to help a child feel safe and loved. A easy way to remember is to try and offer the two H’s when co-regulating with a child: “Do you need help or a hug?”
4. Calm Space: Create a cozy and peaceful space in your home where your child can relax and unwind.
5. Family Talks: Have regular family meetings where everyone can share their thoughts and feelings. This can be over dinner or a board game to strengthen family bonds and create a safe emotional space.
6. Time Out: When things get too heated, take a break and return to the problem later. Some parents (and even siblings) will want to address the situation or issue immediately. Stepping away for a bit allows everyone to calm down, clear their heads, and approach the situation with a fresh perspective. This can lead to more productive and positive outcomes.
7. Talk It Over: After a disagreement, talk with your child about what happened and how things could be handled differently next time. Validating your child’s feelings is important. Talking it over with your child after a conflict isn’t just about listening to them; it’s also about sharing your feelings and experiences. By admitting your own emotions and mistakes, you can create a safe space for vulnerability and show your child that it’s okay to not be perfect. This can be a powerful tool for co-regulation, as it helps children feel understood and connected.

The Amazing Brain and Co-Regulation

Imagine the brain has two floors: upstairs and downstairs. Upstairs is where we think clearly and logically, as it is the problem-solving part of the brain. Downstairs is where emotions run the show and little logic is used. When kids get upset, they are stuck downstairs (National Scientific Council on the Developing Child, 2014), and the use of co-regulation has been a proven strategy to help children access their upstairs brain.

Connecting the Dots: Body and Brain

Think of your child’s nervous system as a team. The brain is the coach, but the body is the player on the field. For the team to work well, the coach and player need to communicate clearly. This is where bottom-up processing comes in. It means that what happens in the body can affect how the brain works.

When a child feels safe and calm, their body sends signals to the brain that everything is okay. This allows the brain to focus on learning and making helpful decisions. However, when a child feels stressed or overwhelmed, their body sends signals that trigger the “fight or flight” response. This makes it hard for the brain to think clearly and stay in control.

Co-regulation can help children’s bodies and brains work together as a winning team. By calming the nervous system and promoting a sense of safety, we can help children access their “upstairs brain” and develop the emotional and cognitive skills they need to thrive.

Simple Ways to Practice Co-Regulation

Easier said than done, right? It is not always easy to stay calm and regulated, especially when your child is struggling. However, do not worry, co-regulation can be learned and practiced, one baby step at a time.

The Kaizen Approach: Small Steps, Big Changes

The Kaizen approach to parenting is all about making minor, continuous improvements over time. This method focuses on building positive habits and addressing issues gradually rather than attempting drastic, immediate changes (Lager, 2023). It is a great way to incorporate co-regulation into your busy life, even if you do not have much extra time. Here are some Kaizen-inspired tips for practicing co-regulation:

• Start with one strategy: Choose one co-regulation strategy that resonates with you and focus on practicing it consistently.
• Make it a habit: Once you feel comfortable with one strategy, add another strategy to your routine.
• Be patient: Co-regulation is a journey, not a destination. It takes time and practice to develop these skills.
• Celebrate your successes: Acknowledge and celebrate your progress, no matter how small.

Why Else is Co-Regulation So Important?

Co-regulation is like a warm hug for a child’s brain. It helps them:

• Build Emotional Smarts: Learning to recognize and understand emotions is like learning a new language. Co-regulation helps kids become fluent in their feelings. Research shows that our brains are not fully developed until age 25, so children and teenagers are still learning how to manage their emotions and make sound decisions (Greene, 2014). Co-regulation provides the support they need to navigate these challenges and develop essential life skills. By helping your child understand and regulate their emotions early on, you are giving them a strong foundation for success in all areas of their lives. 
• Stronger Connections: When you co-regulate with your child, you are not just calming them down but strengthening your bond and building trust. This is important during the tween and teenager years when you want them to be able to come to you and discuss challenging things. 
• Stress Less: Co-regulation helps kids manage stress and develop healthy coping skills, which can positively impact their overall well-being.
• Ready to Learn: When kids feel safe and calm, they are better able to focus and learn. Co-regulation sets the stage for success in school and beyond. Research shows that most children. 
• Happy and Healthy: Co-regulation can impact a child’s mental and physical health, helping them grow into happy and well-adjusted adults.

Kids need more than just words. Their brains and bodies must be on the same page to understand and learn genuinely. This emphasizes the connection between the mind and body.

Co-regulation is a lifelong skill that helps us build strong relationships and navigate life’s ups and downs. By practicing these simple strategies, you can create a more peaceful and loving environment for your child and your whole family.