Written by: Erin Edwards, PhD, LP

Making friends is an important part of school, but it doesn’t come easily to every child. Some kids naturally seek out new people and jump right into group activities, while others may be unsure how to approach a group, join a game, or turn an acquaintance into a real friend. For parents, it can be hard to know when to step in and how to help. The good news is that kids can learn and practice the skills that support the development of friendships. From helping kids understand how to join games at recess to setting up playdates with friends outside of school, there are many ways parents can support their children’s growing social world.

Joining a Group

A helpful first step is teaching your child to notice whether a group is open or closed to new members. Open activities, like tag, shooting hoops, or playing on the swings, are easy to join and leave. Your child can watch briefly, figure out what’s happening, and then jump right in, rather than stopping the activity to ask, “Can I play?” 

Closed activities have established teams, roles, or storylines, like a basketball game or an imaginative game of family. Joining these activities requires more communication. Your child might start by asking, “What are you doing?” and then look for an opening to join, such as, “Can I play the next game” or “Can I be the pet?” 

It’s also important for your child to understand that sometimes, a group may say no. Being told they cannot join the game doesn’t necessarily mean the other kids don’t like them. It may mean that the other kids want to finish what they started or that their game would be difficult to add another person to. For your child, learning not to take every “no” personally is an important part of developing social resilience.

Once your child joins the group, they will need to navigate the rules of the activity and social interaction. This usually means following the rules, taking turns, listening to other children’s ideas, or being flexible. For imaginative play in particular, kids can have a hard time accepting that they can’t always be the character they want to be or control what happens in the storyline. In a game of basketball, they will likely need to tolerate losing or following rules that they would not have chosen themselves. These moments can be challenging, but they also provide opportunities for developing important social skills like flexibility, cooperation, perspective taking, and compromise. 

There will be other times when there isn’t an obvious group to join. In these situations, your child can still make themselves look approachable by walking around the playground or watching an activity that interests them. Being near other kids and appearing interested can create opportunities for someone else to invite them to play.

Growing Friendships

A friendship is not made once a child successfully joins a group. It is through repeated, positive interactions that a playmate becomes a true friend. Your child may need support in learning how to grow these relationships over time. This might mean making an effort to remember the name of the person they played with at recess yesterday, asking this same peer to play again, sitting by them at lunch, or starting up a conversation the next day. 

Friendships also don’t have to develop entirely during the school day. As a parent, you can create additional opportunities for your kids to connect with others by signing them up for clubs, teams, or classes where they are likely to encounter classmates or other kids with similar interests. For some kids, interacting with peers outside of school can be an important part of growing friendships. A child who feels shy or overwhelmed on the busy playground may find it easier to connect with one or two classmates in a smaller, quieter environment.

Parents and Teachers as Partners

If your child is having trouble connecting with kids at school, consider talking to their teacher. Teachers often have a good sense of their student’s personalities and interests and may be able to facilitate opportunities for your child to connect with a classmate. For example, teachers may pair kids for a project, seat them by one another, or encourage them to participate in a shared activity of interest. 

Parents can also strengthen their own connection to their children’s school community. Volunteering for field trips, class celebrations, or other school events can provide opportunities for you to get to know other families. When parents know other parents, it becomes easier to arrange playdates, coordinate sign-ups for activities, and help their kids maintain a relationship outside of school.

Three Things You Can Try This Week

1. Practice one small social situation: Spend a few minutes role-playing how your child could join a group, ask someone for a playdate, or respond if someone says “no” to their request to join.
2. Create one opportunity for connection: Schedule a playdate, sign up for an activity, or encourage your child to seek out a person they enjoy during school.
3. Talk about friendship: Ask your child open-ended questions about who they enjoyed spending time with today, what activities they liked, and whether there’s anyone they’d like to get to know better.
   

Building friendships doesn’t happen in the same way for every child. Some children need little support, while others benefit from direct teaching, practice, and adult facilitation. Attempts at building friends won’t always go perfectly, and that’s to be expected. Learning how to approach others, handle rejection, navigate disagreements, and try again are all parts of growing socially. 

When Friendship Doesn’t Come Easily

For some children, the desire to have friends may be strong, but knowing how to make and keep friends may be hard. Kids sometimes have trouble recognizing social cues, knowing how to start a conversation, take turns in a conversation, or be flexible in play. Parents can help kids practice common social interactions at home, for example, role-playing how to join a group or practicing what to do when a game doesn’t go as planned. 

For kids who continue to struggle with friendships, therapy can provide another source of support. Social challenges can have many different causes, and understanding what may be getting in the way is an important first step. A therapist can work with your child to build social communication skills, role-play common peer interactions, develop strategies for navigating challenging social situations, and build confidence. 

If you’re concerned about your child’s friendships or social development, consider reaching out to our clinic to learn more about how therapy can help.